Be observant. If you see something interesting, or out of place, and think about it ahead of time, you'll stand a better chance of coming up with a good joke than if you zone out and have to come up with something on the spot.
Try to come up with more than one snarky remark. You'll often find that the first thing to come to mind won't be funny. Or maybe it's too offensive to use in the current environment. Have a couple potential jokes and choose from one or the other.
Use a different tone of voice when you joke about something than you would if you were discussing it seriously. I've met a lot of people who have thought that I was a giant asshole, a racist, or absolutely retarded because they just couldn't grasp sarcasm.
Remember that stereotypes are handy tools to come up with comic gold on the spot. It might not always be original, but a well timed stereotype joke can work wonders. Remember, nothing's off limits; race, age, gender, sexual orientation; as long as you can come up with something appropriate for the situation. (ie, if you're poking fun at your asian friend about food, don't make a joke about how asian people are good with math. Make a joke about the bizarre shit they eat.)
Learn how to tell if you're really pissing somebody off. Most of the time you won't care, but sometimes it can keep you from getting your as whipped.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
How to be A Smartass, Lesson One
Below are some highly effective turns of phrase to make you seem like a witty asshole during conversations. Use them well.
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Quoted from http://markpknowles.com/how-to-make-money-blogging/
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Quoted from http://markpknowles.com/how-to-make-money-blogging/
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